Journal of a Tortured Soul
by Buuchan
Summary: The thoughts of one who's life can never be his own so long as he lives in a place of chaos.


My notes became my life. If you could call what I was living a life. My name is Ranma Saotome, and if ya don't know I am the heir to the Saotome School of Martial Arts. I didn't want to be but that choice was not given to me. Ya see when I was 6 my wonderfull loving father Genma Saotome decided that I was to be his heir and that I would carry on our family name with pride and honor.  
  
I think at sometimes he actually tries but for the most part he does the opposite. He doesn't seem to understand why people don't agree with him all the time. What I would call his brain is most likely a small mass of grey matter used only to do a few specific activities. From stealing food or items of value, to training me so that I can redeem the honor that he destroyed.   
  
On his training trip that he took me, and I do mean took since I had no real say in the matter or my mother for that matter. I believe that she had attempted to stop him and did everything in her power to keep him from taking me from her, but I can't help but think that she could have done more. From what I can gather from being around her she is supposed to be an incredibly honorable person. I think she means well and wants only the best for me but even talking to her is frustrating.  
  
She tries at least I think she does to see things from my point of view. I don't think she tries to accept it though. I can't remember a time where she had actually treated me like a son instead of a manly man who can't show any shred of emotion. The only time that she had actually talked to me as if I was actually a person was when I chose to be Ranko Tendo for a while.  
  
That was the only time that I could recal her actually count as her wanting whats best for me. When I revieled who I was she distanced herself from me. I couldn't find that same person in her. Trying to connect the two people was useless since I wasn't given the time to even talk with her. The only things she can say now are 'Oh how manly you are' or 'Why don't you decide on a girl and get married' I get sick sometimes thinking about what she thinks of as a model for my behavior.  
  
I can no longer trust her. She tells pop everything whether she relizes it or not. Usually she does it when she gets on the rampage about something and blurts it all out. One time she actually told everyone that I wanted to move and so they all came running trying to convince me to stay. Although I don't mind that they actually care enough about me for me to stay I hate how they treat me like a prize.  
  
After some problems that occured through mishaps and badluck I soon I became involved with Saffron. His very name sends shivers down my spine. The only thing that allows me to sleep at night is the remembrance that I may be strong enough if he comes back for revenge in about twelve years. The reason i'm sca, I mean worried is that I did not have the power to help my friends. I was powerless next to his fires.  
  
He could have incinerated me at anytime yet he chose to play with me. Like a cat that was toying with it's prey. What though I was gonna write stuttery on the cat part? Well I decided to conquere my fear and to accept what had happened when I was young. Relizing that I did not have to fear cats helped me to stop cowering in fear from an animal that could be smaller than my hand.  
  
Though I still fear cats I mearly play an act now of being terrified since I no longer really have so much trouble around the animal. I do this cause I took a lesson to heart that has helped me a lot over my time here. I keep my true strength and abilities hidden so that no one can truly judge where they stand next to me. Being a martial artist wasn't my choice but i'll be damned if i'm not gonna do the best I can at it.  
  
At the wedding I learned of my moms true colors. She practically encouraged Soun and Pop to declare my whole life to anothers. I was furious 'HOW DARE THEY DO THAT!' I nearly yelled but I relized it was futile. Soun and Pop through their mutual suffering under the old pervert gave up their wills to each other. They decided without anyones consent to engage their kids without even having any.  
  
My own mother had allowed them to decided what should have only been my decision. All she did was sit back and repeat 'My son's so manly'. I get so sick and tired of her day after day always preaching me to be manly when all I want to be is myself. I don't remember all that well when I had hit my head and though I was a real girl. I was told only that I had become some sort of derange mockery of one. The only thing that I actually remember was happyness. I had never known such a fealing of happiness in my whole life.  
  
But once again I didn't have a choice. Genma, Soun, Akane, and everyone else tried everything to get me back to the way I was each for their own selfish reasons. Genma and Soun so that I could marry Akane and then continue on their school of martial arts. I felt the most hurt at Akane for the way she acted. The only reason she wanted me back is was because I was embarrasing her.  
  
Little flashes here and there allow me to see that Kasumi had attempted to help me out but she did nearly nothing just like everyone else. I couldn't really expect more from someone who waits hand and foot on her pathetic, I spat the word outloud, father. Kami-sama I hate that man. Soun Tendo is everything I hate in the world. He is selfish, he has no will, he cares not for anyone but himself, and the list goes on and on. I do feel slightly sorry for Kasumi since she was pushed into the job by her father and sisters but she should be able to get out of it if she really wanted to.  
  
Now i'm on the place where I usually write about my unfavorite tomboy, Akane Tendo. I can't remember the exact date doesn't matter just remember the motto 'time flys when your having fun', or is it time blurs when one can't get a break? I write in this journal every now and then yet I always seem to forget what time it is. With all the rivals, fiances, wanna-be fiances, too old people, and the occaisional challenger I haven't had a week of peice since I was 6.  
  
Akane is the one fiance who I for some odd reason trust. I know my neko side loves her even though she usually hits him when he tries to nice in his own little way. I know he likes her cause I see flashes every so often of dreams I have sometimes. Occasionally they are nightmares that wake me up in a cold sweat with my heart beating and I can barely breath. Then knowing that there is something that I can't control scares me.  
  
When I remember what Genma did to me it kills off any respect that I might have for the man. Anyone who can torture their child then pass it off as training doesn't deserve to be called human. Now that I think about it being a panda suits him a lot better than being a human.   
  
Uh oh I hear the tomboy shuffling her lead feet up the steps. Ja ne journal i'll try and write some more later after I find out what she's angry about this time.  
  
***(Author Notes)***  
  
You may have noticed the total lack of action in the peice above. This can be considered the prologe to my new project. I came up with the idea when I saw how a lot of people who write fanfictions seem to make out Ranma as some poor bum who doesn't feel worthy enough of being around any girl. I cannot grasp the idea that a person could think themselves so low.  
  
To counteract that I decided to post something that won't change something, won't create some new problem, and won't have the foot licking Ranma that so many people decided to make him as. I am simply gonna make something that will portray the characters as they would be if they continued. I will try and stay as close to the original as possible, feeding mainly off the manga. The story will center around Ranma as in the journal entry his side will be told in first person. 


End file.
